Jakob Wolman
When telling people that I will spend six to eight months away from work and become a stay-at-home-dad reactions were mixed. Many expressed concern for my career and skills as a coach. My approach is the opposite. I am learning and sharpening many skills that I use as an agile coach. By sharing some of these I want to promote parental leave as a skill builder rather than the career killer many believe it to be. I believe spending time away from work, with my kids, contributes to the wholeness (as defined in Reinventing Organizations by Frederic Laloux) I bring to work.
All the wonderful moments with my daughters apart, here are some of the things I learn and practice while doing the hard and unforgiving work of a stay-at-home-dad:
Patience
As a parent you are in it for the long run. The same thing is true for coaching. Results take time, and they seldom depend solely on you, or turn out the way you expected. Forcing people to do something your way very seldom gives good results (neither as coach or as parent). Accepting that things will be done differently, and supporting the way forward, can be really hard. Spending a lot of time together with kids gives you good practice in this patience.
Don’t take yourself so seriously
As Ben and Rosamund Zander so beautifully write in The Art of Possibility, apply rule number six (that means, “don’t take yourself so goddam seriously, there are no other rules)! Spending time with kids gets really frustrating and boring if you try to be the sensible adult. Yes horses can be yellow, houses can be spaceships, tigers use the toilet and ninjas can be princesses. If letting yourself go, kids are really good at teaching you to loose your preconceptions and take yourself out of the box. One great example of this is when playing Storycubes. Kids will beat any adult. My five year old is so much quicker at inventing stories than most of the coaches and leaders I have played with. Kids are not afraid to make mistakes or say something that is wrong (according to current world views). Until we teach them, they don’t even know the concept of looking dumb. By practicing to not take myself so seriously I sharpen a skill essential for creative thinking.
Explore the world
By spending a lot of time with my kids I get to see them explore. It is not always obvious at first glance, but if you watch kids closely you will see how they try things out, fail and learn from it. I can clearly see when my one year old figures out what things are being used for. Where does it fit, is it hard or soft, how do other people react when I use it for different purposes? Very often, kids come up with unexpected ways of using objects. When my five year old wants to build a hut she will use anything within sight. Admittedly, her father the engineer often points out that it will not be a very stable construction, but it does the job. As grown ups we have long ago classified what things are supposed to be used for that we seldom try things outside of the box. Getting more of this creativity will be very helpful in my work, and I know many others that could benefit from it.
Expect the unexpected
I had the perfect day planned. We were going to a museum for play in the morning, then the youngest would fall asleep and we would go for lunch, then we would bike to a famous candy store and pickup groceries on our way home. Perfect! Only, both kids fell asleep on the way to the museum and one of them had a tantrum once there. I now had a choice. Continue with the plan and make everyone miserable or re-plan and find something that would work in the current situation and fit everyone’s mood.
I do make a lot of plans to make sure we have fun activities lined up. That plan makes getting out the door much easier. But I also need to be flexible, learn about the current situation and adapt to it. And no, the old project manager trick of buffer time does not work here either. Being prepared helps (knowing where there are good places for lunch, nearest playground) and having a few tricks up my sleeve (emergency ice-cream). But spending a lot of time with kids does give you great practice in the art of adapting plans. And once the event is over you can inspect and adapt for your next trip.
We did end up having a great day, enjoying the museum (although a bit later) and making it to the candy store. Groceries where picked up at another time.
Be present
Kids are mindful. Even though easily distracted, they can go into a mode of concentration that even a promise of ice cream cannot lure them out of. The world around them melt away and they step into their own universe. It seems that somewhere along the way of growing up many loose this ability. When kids play with grown ups they assume we can join them in their universe, that requires total presence. And there we are checking Facebook, watching other kids or thinking about dinner. Spending time with my kids is great practice in being mindful, being present and letting go of distractions. This is a skill I personally need to sharpen to be more effective in my work and enjoy what I do.
In conclusion
I believe that being at home with your kids is just as skill building as spending a day at work. The difference is you have to be more aware and take the opportunity to practice your skills. Once you go looking for it, there will be plenty of opportunities. I believe parental leave to be a merit on your resume rather than something you should shamefully hide. I would like to promote this both to parents and companies looking for talent. I usually find that people that have a broad experience (including parental leave) will have different views to offer, valuable to any team.
I encourage everyone to spend more time with your kids. See it as an investment in yourself, your kids and your family. It is absolutely worth both the time and the money. ROI is potentially priceless.